Dance Moms: Stage Fright, Cartwheels and Plantar Warts (oh my!)

Every week, my daughter, Bridget, and I watch DVR-recorded Dance Moms. Let’s just state upfront that we are members of Team Miss Abby. I’ve been around enough crazy moms (not that marching band moms can hold a torch to these dramatic dance moms) to know there will always be mothers (some fathers, too) who take it upon themselves to propel their precious angels to the top using whatever means necessary. Bossy, pushy, demanding parents on a power trip are probably the most annoying people on the planet. Multiply this by infinity, and voila, you’ve got the Dance Moms.

Granted, all reality TV is heavily edited, so maybe some of these moms aren’t as obnoxious as they appear to be (except for Cathy…she’s just crazy).  Bridget and I root for Melissa, the most un-diva like of all the moms. She supports her kids, the other moms’ kids, and Abby. Plus, her daughter, Maddie, really is the best dancer, so Chrisi, stop with the jealousy already. Chloe’s awesome, too, and maybe if you would Just Shut Up sometimes, your daughter would land on the top of the pyramid more often. You’re a pretty woman and not at all Disco Ball-ish, but child, please. Wipe that smirk off your face and kill that pickle pucker. Jealousy is an ugly trait.  So grow up, already!

Episode ten did not bring out the best in Holly, either. Holly, we like you better when you’re acting in a professional and respectful manner. Plus we appreciate how you stand out from the catty (sometimes brutally so) Kelly and Christi crowd. Don’t worry about Nia. She is an amazing child; talented and funny, Nia’s aces in our books. So why-oh-why did you find it necessary to interrupt the girls’ practice? You really didn’t give Abby a chance to tell everyone that yes, this week, Nia would be Paige’s understudy in the event Paige’s plantar wart removal got the best of her. Now that the episode has aired, we hope you’ve had time to study that scene and realize Abby was right to dress you down a bit. We think you owe her an apology. And if Nia ever freezes and forgets a routine again, try to remember it’s not the end of the world. We’re happy she did so well, and she deserved her medal, but Holly, it’s okay if your child’s not perfect sometimes. Life isn’t perfect, either, and this could have proven to be a good teaching moment. It was awkward when you (without consulting Abby) asked one of the judges if Nia could compete again, and Bridget and I were nervous for her, praying the pressure to perform flawlessly wouldn’t send your daughter straight into another panic attack. All’s well that ends well, but really, Holly, no matter how she performs, IT’S OKAY.

Now for Kelly. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. What gives with the Holier Than Abby attitude when talking about Paige’s plantar wart removal procedure. What my daughter and I heard is Abby stating very clearly that Paige’s foot health comes first, forget the competition. Didn’t you hear that, too? If so, then why the whole “I’m her mom and her health comes first” routine? Sometimes, I think you women make up stuff to complain about, I swear. By the end of the episode, we began wondering just who it was exactly who was more concerned, you or Abby? What in the world were you thinking, sitting in the bleachers and giggling about how Paige’s foot is “sore” enough to cause her to walk on her tip-toes? How could you let her perform, even after her podiatrist cautioned that the foot’s recovery time had nothing to do with the calendar and everything to do with how the child’s foot felt? With the pressure bearing down on all of these children all the time, do you really think she would be honest with you and give up the opportunity to perform with the trio? Really? She’s way too young to be worried about sucking it up, and if she were my daughter, she would have been out for at least a week. Tell Paige Bridget and I hope her foot feels better, and we mean all the way better.

As for the drama mama who yanked her kid and signed her up with Candy Apple…what’s her name…wait, I have to look it up…oh yeah, it’s Kendall’s mom, Jill. Kendall did a great job during halftime, and we’re glad she got to meet the Harlem Globetrotters, but mostly we’re glad she didn’t have to wear Chloe’s meat costume.